I got a chain of rather good news today, though, which makes some of it worth the while. I FINALLY took the Jeep to emissions today (it's 8 months overdue..*ahem*). The scary thing about that is it actually PASSED. For anyone that knows me, they know why it passing makes my head spin. For those that don't... It leaks coolant, oil, the muffler fell off a few months back, it stalls when I'm going 60 mph and try to break (though my dad changed the spark plugs this morning and that part seems to be okay), it takes itself out of gear when and where it pleases, and if I don't run it for a few days the battery kills itself even though it's a new battery. The list of what is wrong with that vehicle goes on and on and on. But it passed. So I can at least drive it legally. Now as long as I get my plates renewed....*ahem* again.
The second good thing is that I think I finally secured myself a job. A real job this time, not the crap from the temporary agencies that I've been thrown around in lately. It's not much of a job, certainly not a career, and I'm sure that it doesn't pay well. But right about now, that's all I need. I need a jumping off point and I'm crossing my fingers that this is it. I've been down for so long I'm not sure I know what it feels like to be "up" again.
I've been trying and trying and trying and it feels like I'm going nowhere fast. I feel like a loser, and rightfully so. My mother always says she's proud of me... but for what, exactly? Still standing? Taking blow after blow and still getting out of bed?
I need something solid to stand on, to stand for. Something that I can be proud of myself for. I never expected that I could fall so far down that a simple job paying minimum wage is something that I feel I can wake up and smile about. Keep in mind that I am well aware I have it much better than many, many people. I have parents who are willing to keep a roof over my head and feed me despite my run of bad luck. I have Adam, who supports me without question. He can look into my eyes and know exactly what I need. I have friends that know how I work and don't get offended when I don't answer calls or text because they know I'm going through a hard time. I have that chance to start over, to start back at square one. Most people don't get that chance. My only hope is that I don't screw it up this time. I have a vision in my head of what I want my life to be like. It's nothing extravagant or even out of reach. I just want a simple life. A small apartment, a car that runs, a dependable job that I can count on. All of these things are so alive in my head that I can almost taste it. Now I just have to reach down and find the strength to make it happen. For once in my life, I think I can do that.
xo
You go girl! I know things have been tough, but I have never lost my faith in you. I know you can do it, if just given the chance.
ReplyDeleteI still can't believe the Jeep passed! That was a lucky break. I wish I could buy you a new car. I hate that you have to drive that lump of junk.
Things will get better once you find a job. You'll see. It's just a bad market out there right now. Hopefully, this new thing will come through. If not, something else will come along.