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To my darling Bean - 

   I'm so sorry. Your mom is having a really hard time right now. It's not your fault but some days I want to blame everything on you. I know you're going to light up my life in ways I never thought possible; in some ways you already have. Your grandmother thinks I've lost my mind. Maybe she's right. Scratch that - she is absolutely right. I've been thrown face first into a depression the likes of which I have never felt before. It physically aches to get out of bed in the morning because I know I'll see your grandmother glowing and smiling at the baby bump and your grandfather making damn sure I've taken my prenatal vitamins. Life lesson number one, Bean, TAKE YOUR PRENATAL VITAMINS OR YOU ARE A FAILURE. Just throwing that out there. With every step I take during the day I'm reminded that you're in there waiting, hoping I make it out the other side. I hope I make it too. 
  If I'm perfectly honest here, you are simultaneously the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I was told I couldn't have children. It took months of grieving for me to accept that I was going to die childless. And I came to the conclusion that it was okay. Yet against all odds, here you are, right now at what could be considered the worst possible time. You at least inherited that from me. Your father knew I was pregnant before I did. He started having fits about it and I actually laughed at him. I thought he was being ridiculous. Boy do I feel like an idiot. Evidently there is such a thing as a father's intuition and it whipped my ass. When I saw the pregnancy test come up positive, I walked downstairs, threw it at your dad and collapsed on the floor crying. To say that I was not pleased is an understatement. I hate having to say that, that I wasn't overcome with maternal joy and oozing happiness but it's the truth. Right now I'm clinging to life on a day to day basis and all I have left is the truth. I wish I could say I will never lie to you. I was lied to in my childhood about things that still fuck with me today. The sad truth is that I will absolutely lie to you if it will protect you from harm. I can't say I would do the same things that were done to me but I can certainly say I understand why those things happened a little bit better. 
  For the first two weeks or so I tried to chalk up these feelings to the changing hormones. I'm sure the hormonal changes aren't helping but it goes much deeper than I like to admit. Your grandmother thinks I should just "get rid of it" if I'm going to resent it. But that's the thing, Bean - I don't resent you. I actually love you. I would jump in front of a bus for you and you aren't even out of the womb yet. I want you to hang in there with me and know somewhere inside that your mother loves you more than anything in this world. You truly are a part of me. I'm just sick. I have a disease that I can't just shake off and the more I try to fake it the worse it gets. I'm absolutely terrified which is probably the only normal emotion that I'm feeling right now. I guess I'm rambling at this point but there's just so much I want to say. I just want you to know, above all else (and no matter what I may think on any given day), that you are MY Bean and no matter what happens, I will love you until the end of time. 

Love, 
Mama