All of the Ranting.

I always have so much to do. SO much to do. And no time, of course. Isn't that supposed to be every mother's mantra or something? I call bullshit. I quit my damned to do list today. I can't cope. I'm in way too much pain to deal with this right now. Also, apparently my "o" key on the keyboard is being decidedly sticky and, well, fuck that key.

I slipped and fell on my drive way Saturday and things have been doing the downward spiral into hopelessness ever since. I went to the ER and gave me a cervical collar, Naproxen, and an order to rest (because of course). The fall itself isn't what has caused this little pit I've dug around myself though. It's the fact that my body physically CAN NOT take any more pain and my child is not getting any smaller. She's a big girl and it's killing me every time I pick her up. I put on the happy face and play with her and whatnot - she will never be able to tell that I can't stand holding her - but then I go off by myself and cry just to get it out of my system. I'm scheduled for spinal injections (doesn't that sound sexy?) from my L1 - L4 on February 4th but I have a feeling I'm banking way too much of my hope on these injections, especially since it was made clear to me that there's a chance they won't be effective. I feel like I'm setting myself up to be let down. What the hell else am I supposed to do? It's not like I can hand my baby off to someone for a couple of days while I rest and try to get my shit together. Adam's there, of course, but he works five days a week so even then I would still have the bulk of baby care.

Speaking of my beautiful little back killer, she's due to be up any minute so I should probably cut this short.

xo
Kellye

Chaos & Loneliness

It's 4am. I'm awake, alone, as usual. I hear Anabel stirring through the baby monitor so I know it's only a matter of time before she's awake and I'm not alone anymore. Is that what I want, not being alone anymore? I don't know. Most of the time I crave some kind of social interaction, some connection to the time before I had the baby and then when I have it, I immediately start counting down the minutes until it's over.

This small child baffles me in so many ways. I've gained so much with her birth and having her in my life. There isn't a single person in this world that can light up my soul like she can. I'd rip myself limb from limb just waiting for her to put me back together. She's the only real love that I've ever known. But (and there's always a but) I have to ponder all that I've lost with all that I've gained. It's part of the checks and balances of life.
Am I a better person with her in my life? You bet.
Have I lost a huge part of myself, of who I thought I was and what I'd become in the process? Indeed I have.

My days revolve around this little girl whose only requirement is a loving touch and the occasional foot rub. I run around her like a chicken with my head cut off. It's utter and complete chaos and I wouldn't have it any other way. But all the while I'm doing my daily run around, there's a part of my mind that's in mourning. I feel as though it shouldn't be that way but then again when have I ever followed protocol?

Things have changed. I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.

"Can't you see? 
We're going to jump after three.
You mean that much to me.
Finally, someone who understands."

xo
Kellye