It's 4am. I'm awake, alone, as usual. I hear Anabel stirring through the baby monitor so I know it's only a matter of time before she's awake and I'm not alone anymore. Is that what I want, not being alone anymore? I don't know. Most of the time I crave some kind of social interaction, some connection to the time before I had the baby and then when I have it, I immediately start counting down the minutes until it's over.
This small child baffles me in so many ways. I've gained so much with her birth and having her in my life. There isn't a single person in this world that can light up my soul like she can. I'd rip myself limb from limb just waiting for her to put me back together. She's the only real love that I've ever known. But (and there's always a but) I have to ponder all that I've lost with all that I've gained. It's part of the checks and balances of life.
Am I a better person with her in my life? You bet.
Have I lost a huge part of myself, of who I thought I was and what I'd become in the process? Indeed I have.
My days revolve around this little girl whose only requirement is a loving touch and the occasional foot rub. I run around her like a chicken with my head cut off. It's utter and complete chaos and I wouldn't have it any other way. But all the while I'm doing my daily run around, there's a part of my mind that's in mourning. I feel as though it shouldn't be that way but then again when have I ever followed protocol?
Things have changed. I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.
"Can't you see?
We're going to jump after three.
You mean that much to me.
Finally, someone who understands."
xo
Kellye
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