Chaos & Loneliness

It's 4am. I'm awake, alone, as usual. I hear Anabel stirring through the baby monitor so I know it's only a matter of time before she's awake and I'm not alone anymore. Is that what I want, not being alone anymore? I don't know. Most of the time I crave some kind of social interaction, some connection to the time before I had the baby and then when I have it, I immediately start counting down the minutes until it's over.

This small child baffles me in so many ways. I've gained so much with her birth and having her in my life. There isn't a single person in this world that can light up my soul like she can. I'd rip myself limb from limb just waiting for her to put me back together. She's the only real love that I've ever known. But (and there's always a but) I have to ponder all that I've lost with all that I've gained. It's part of the checks and balances of life.
Am I a better person with her in my life? You bet.
Have I lost a huge part of myself, of who I thought I was and what I'd become in the process? Indeed I have.

My days revolve around this little girl whose only requirement is a loving touch and the occasional foot rub. I run around her like a chicken with my head cut off. It's utter and complete chaos and I wouldn't have it any other way. But all the while I'm doing my daily run around, there's a part of my mind that's in mourning. I feel as though it shouldn't be that way but then again when have I ever followed protocol?

Things have changed. I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.

"Can't you see? 
We're going to jump after three.
You mean that much to me.
Finally, someone who understands."

xo
Kellye

Every day is exactly the same...

When I first became pregnant I was the recipient of ALL OF THE BABY ADVICE. I imagine that all newly pregnant women have about the same reaction to it that I did - in one ear and out the other, knowing that no matter what happened we would all survive the best way we knew how. That being said, NO ONE warned me that the days ahead of me would be the most mundane, monotonous, hair-pulling days of my life. Maybe had someone said that, I would have actually listened.

It surprises me greatly that it's not the lack of sleep, or the screaming, or the whining, or my entire day being wrapped around this tiny little human that throws me into a pit of despair. It's the fact that every day is exactly the same. Wake up and feed at the same time, nap at the same time, wash the bottles, do the baby's laundry, dry the bottles, refill the humidifier, check the heater... It's endless and it's the same. My days run together in such a way that you can no longer ask me what week day it is anymore. I simply don't know. I feel like I'm living in a really fucked up version of baby Groundhog Day.

I'm exhausted, I'm lonely, I'm in immense amounts of pain and my days do nothing to take my mind off of that. Just doing the same things over and over again. The melancholy never stops. I love my pretty Anabel so much & she really lights up my life in a way that no one else can. I just don't know how much longer I can do the song & dance routine we've been doing every single day. It's slowly ripping me apart at the seems. I'm sure if I wasn't in so much pain from my back, a lot of things would be easier for me. I could hold and comfort Anabel more, I could sit in more than one position and actually get some sleep, I'd actually be able to get out of the house... The possibilities are endless. But until I switch insurance companies and get into a pain management program and a potential spinal fusion things are on a day to day basis. I guess this just turned into a bitch, whine, and moan post fairly quickly so I'll sign off.
Goodnight.

xoxo
Kellye

So, uh... hi?

I have no idea what has come over me to update this thing. I haven't even looked at it in almost a year. Where I left off, I hadn't even seen Bean on a sonogram and had no idea if there was a heartbeat. Well, surprise, I had a baby. A girl named Anabel Claire. She's 3 months old now and has turned out to be the light of my life in so many ways while in the same motion causing some of the darkest thoughts I've ever experienced. Welcome to the world of postpartum.

See? Cute as hell and just about worthy of the agony of pregnancy.
Since becoming a stay-at-home-mom (ugh, I never thought I'd say that) I have ZERO outlet for anything if it doesn't involve taking care of the small creature of my loins. I thought I'd fire up the old blog again just to have somewhere to write and rant and bitch. It takes far too much time (that I no longer have anyway) to actually pick up a pen and write this stuff down and I'm fairly sure my husband will appreciate not being blasted the moment he walks into the door because of my pent up aggression.
Then again... if the blogging doesn't work out, I can always drink more.

xo
Kellye