Every day is exactly the same...

When I first became pregnant I was the recipient of ALL OF THE BABY ADVICE. I imagine that all newly pregnant women have about the same reaction to it that I did - in one ear and out the other, knowing that no matter what happened we would all survive the best way we knew how. That being said, NO ONE warned me that the days ahead of me would be the most mundane, monotonous, hair-pulling days of my life. Maybe had someone said that, I would have actually listened.

It surprises me greatly that it's not the lack of sleep, or the screaming, or the whining, or my entire day being wrapped around this tiny little human that throws me into a pit of despair. It's the fact that every day is exactly the same. Wake up and feed at the same time, nap at the same time, wash the bottles, do the baby's laundry, dry the bottles, refill the humidifier, check the heater... It's endless and it's the same. My days run together in such a way that you can no longer ask me what week day it is anymore. I simply don't know. I feel like I'm living in a really fucked up version of baby Groundhog Day.

I'm exhausted, I'm lonely, I'm in immense amounts of pain and my days do nothing to take my mind off of that. Just doing the same things over and over again. The melancholy never stops. I love my pretty Anabel so much & she really lights up my life in a way that no one else can. I just don't know how much longer I can do the song & dance routine we've been doing every single day. It's slowly ripping me apart at the seems. I'm sure if I wasn't in so much pain from my back, a lot of things would be easier for me. I could hold and comfort Anabel more, I could sit in more than one position and actually get some sleep, I'd actually be able to get out of the house... The possibilities are endless. But until I switch insurance companies and get into a pain management program and a potential spinal fusion things are on a day to day basis. I guess this just turned into a bitch, whine, and moan post fairly quickly so I'll sign off.
Goodnight.

xoxo
Kellye