So, uh... hi?

I have no idea what has come over me to update this thing. I haven't even looked at it in almost a year. Where I left off, I hadn't even seen Bean on a sonogram and had no idea if there was a heartbeat. Well, surprise, I had a baby. A girl named Anabel Claire. She's 3 months old now and has turned out to be the light of my life in so many ways while in the same motion causing some of the darkest thoughts I've ever experienced. Welcome to the world of postpartum.

See? Cute as hell and just about worthy of the agony of pregnancy.
Since becoming a stay-at-home-mom (ugh, I never thought I'd say that) I have ZERO outlet for anything if it doesn't involve taking care of the small creature of my loins. I thought I'd fire up the old blog again just to have somewhere to write and rant and bitch. It takes far too much time (that I no longer have anyway) to actually pick up a pen and write this stuff down and I'm fairly sure my husband will appreciate not being blasted the moment he walks into the door because of my pent up aggression.
Then again... if the blogging doesn't work out, I can always drink more.

xo
Kellye

Beanie Baby

Dear Bean, 
   You're scaring me, kiddo. Stop with the cramps please. Also? If you could knock off the vomiting that would be fantastic. You know how Mommy feels about vomit. It's not pretty for either of us. 
   I have a feeling this is going to quickly turn into a Bean Blog. That's okay. You're a big part of my world now and writing letters to you eases a lot of my internal turmoil (they also let your grandmother know that I'm not jumping off the hypothetical bridge yet). If I'm completely honest here, I feel incredibly guilty. I haven't always had nice thoughts about you. In fact, I was pretty certain you were going to ruin my life for a while there. I was employing every defense mechanism I had in my armory, even stooping to calling you a parasite. Sorry. Mom isn't always rational. Who knew? The pregnancy hormones in addition to the mental illness I struggle with on a daily basis was just too much for me to handle. Things seem to have leveled out some, though, and I'm grateful. At the same time I have this little irrational voice in the back of my mind telling me that somehow you know that I wasn't always happy about your sudden arrival and you're opting out which is why I have cramps. If you only knew how terrified I am of losing you. I've had one miscarriage and I'm still not over it. It probably has a lot to do with why I was so harsh about being pregnant. I was convinced I was going to lose you before you ever had a chance to prove me wrong, and I didn't want to hurt again. Can't blame me for that. But now I love you and I need you to stick around. Your father and I already have names picked out. I can't wait to find out whether you're an Addison Claire or a Simon Brent. I think you're a Simon but your Dad thinks you're an Addison. We'll see. 
   Speaking of your father... Let me tell you something, kid. You are one lucky sucker. You are going to have the greatest Dad. It's been an honor to watch him grow into his new role as husband and father. It's a role he embraces and I am so glad for that. Whenever I'm having one of my moments and I'm terrified he's always there to make me smile and remind me that you're worth it. Every time we talk about you, he gets a little twinkle in his eye. I couldn't have hand picked a better person to be your Dad. And we are so, so lucky. I hope I never forget that. Your father and I have a lot of love between us and we can't wait to share it with you. I hesitate to call you a blessing because that word has its roots in a religion I'm not fond of, but that's exactly what you are. You came at a time when I needed you most and I didn't even realize it. I can't wait to meet you. Hang in there. 

Love, 
Mama